COVID-19: Boundaries
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Okay, so what do these two rabbits have to do with boundaries? These rabbits are a bonded pair of rabbits. They are spayed and neutered so that they don’t multiply, but they are each other’s touchstone and security. They groom each other, lay together even when it is really warm, protect each other, and eat out of the same bowl or bin (alternating who takes the next bite). Even though they are pretty enmeshed, these two will still set a limit with their partner by nipping, chasing, or thumping that the other rabbit has stepped over a line. Even the most bonded rabbits—who get along 99% of the time—still have to set limits with their partner.
Also, rabbits are cute and we could all use cute pictures right now.
Part of responding to COVID-19 means redefining our boundaries and negotiating them with folks in our homes (partners, children, pets), with our friends and community groups, and with working relationships. We are negotiating based on factors such as: what information we have about COVID-19, how our nervous systems tolerate change and isolation, and what our circumstances are.
Here are some examples of boundary differences coming up:
One partner wants to listen to the news because it helps her feel informed but her partner becomes easily anxious by hearing news stories.
Teenagers in a home are persistently asking their parents to let them go out to hang out with friends at each others’ homes, but the parents are saying no because of social distancing measures.
Everyone in a volunteer group wants to proceed with a committee meeting for some important organization business. Many group members want to meet in person because “we’re all healthy and feel well; we’ll be fine” and they are frustrated with other members who want to postpone the meeting or meet through other forms of technology.
Your mother-in-law criticizes you for going to your grocery store job and believes you should stay home, no matter what your financial circumstances or what protections your employer has put in place.
Boundaries are something we can work on throughout our lives. The COVID-19 pandemic is causing us to renegotiate so many aspects of our lives in a very quick period of time under a lot of stress. Here are a few tips for clarifying and expressing your boundaries around COVID-19:
Notice if someone’s requests are making your uncomfortable, frustrated or angry. This may be a sign that they are stepping over your boundaries. Our feelings and sensations are meant to give us messages to explore.
We can’t see corona virus or COVID-19, so we have to go on the information we have about best practices to slow down the spread. Others may disagree about what precautions to take. For instance, if someone believes that healthy people will not get the virus, this will impact the boundaries that they set.
If you notice a difference in how you and someone else are dealing with boundaries, state your boundary with a non-accusatory I-statement that names what you are going to do. For instance, one can say to their co-volunteers, “I am not going to in-person meetings right now because of the pandemic. We can do our next meeting using Zoom or we can wait until things change with the pandemic.”
You may be able to educate someone, if they are open to it. If so, you can provide them with a few trusted informational sources, like the CDC’s website.
You also don’t have to educate the other person or entity. If someone continues to push you after you have set a boundary, try not to have an argument. Instead, you can restate your boundary and suggest a way to move on given the reality of your different boundaries.
Avoid name calling or criticizing the other person’s character. Accusing someone of being a germaphobe or insinuating that they are unintelligent won’t help the immediate conversation or navigating the boundary. It’s like adding gasoline to a fire.
Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable. You may worry that you’ve upset the other person or that your are wrong because setting boundaries may be new to you. Even if you set the boundary well, the other person may push back or be upset with you. Sometimes the best thing we can do is to realize that we are going to take a different action than someone else and that is okay. Please do what keeps you safe and aligned with your values.
If someone is setting a boundary with you about their needs, respect it. If a friend says “no” to hanging out because of social distancing measures, that is their decision. Find other ways to stay connected with that friend or find a friend who is fine with hanging out together.
I’ll go back to the pair of bonded rabbits again. You are also allowed to ask for closeness and support and to snuggle a loved one right now. Noticing and navigating new boundaries is hard work, partially because we have to think of so many new scenarios. Keep up some compassion for yourself and others as we are all figuring out how to best face this pandemic.
See you tomorrow.