How Being A Therapist Prepared Me For The Pandemic

First off, I don’t have it all together. No one does. This is a new experience and a collective trauma, and we are all going to have waves of grounding and chaos, energy and lethargy, fear and gratitude, community and loneliness.

What is helping me in these pandemic times, is to ground in some of the themes that I talk about it in therapy with my clients.

In yoga practices, we often have a “drishti” or a focal point for a pose or meditation. For instance, if I am standing in a one-legged balance pose and am looking all around the room or at moving objects, I am going to fall over or be distracted. So, I would be helped in a pose to have the focal point of a potted plant in the room or a spot on the floor or my own breathing to help give me guidance for a challenging pose or practice.

I am leaning on themes of my work to provide these drishtis for myself and my clients. Here are a few themes listed below:

1. Acknowledge Trauma and Grief.
   We are all going through a collective trauma. This doesn’t mean that we are experiencing the pandemic the same way, but there are common themes that come up with trauma and grief. It is part of being a human with a nervous system to have experiences of loss, distractability, tears, irritability, changes in eating and sleeping, hypervigilance, longing for the past or the future, feeling disconnected, anger, fear, anxiety, bargaining.
   We can start by acknowledging that we are having human responses to a threat in our world. With these feelings, it is important to give focus to soothing our nervous system and connecting how we can. We can also have compassion as we witness ourselves going through these experiences.
   And, if you’ve had trauma or traumatic grief in your past, it is really normal that these past experiences would pop up right now. Draw your supports and resources close to you.

2. You get to practice boundaries.
   In Texas and across the country, it is the end of May, the end of a holiday weekend, and there are less stringent shelter in place orders. There are fewer people wearing masks in public and more people are visiting public areas. I am hearing lots of friends, family, and clients having more arguments and pressures concerning the differences in social distancing measures.
   If you weren’t working on boundaries before, there are a lot of “opportunities” to do so now.
   In practicing boundary setting, first be mindful of what your needs are as they will lead you to knowing what your boundaries are.
   Practice being assertive with your boundaries. Being assertive means knowing your wants and needs while respecting others. You don’t need to be aggressive or ask folks, “Are you CRAZY? What are you thinking by _________ (fill in a behavior here).” Try instead to state your concern about the other person’s behavior or simply state what action or perspective you are taking. In setting a boundary with someone else, it is more important that you get across what action you are taking instead of trying to convince the other person to join you.
   We can also have internal boundaries and limit setting with ourselves. For example, we can set boundaries on our own screen and scroll time, or how much we work.
   It is normal to feel uncomfortable while we are practicing boundaries, especially if others don’t like our limit setting or requests. This discomfort does not necessarily mean that you are doing a bad job with boundaries.

3. Watch out for the binaries
   The more stressed out we are, the more we will see things in binaries: fight or flight, all or nothing, wrong or right, free verses fearful. When we see these come up during the pandemic, we can all work to ground and then see at least one more possibility. For example:

   As opposed to being alone or going to see friends, are there are ways that you can connect virtually or through some other creative means (like sitting outside a friend’s window, each with a cup of coffee, talking on the phone but being able to look each other in the eyes).

   You may have concerns about the process of going back to your work and you either want to quit or yell at your boss through Zoom. Another option could be to find like-minded coworkers and present your concerns to your boss or talk to HR about navigating your concerns before making a decision.

4. There’s no absolute safety.
   Speaking of binaries…our minds and bodies are constantly scanning for danger and trying to move us to safety. That’s how we survive and go on as individuals and a species. It is normal to want to look for guarantees on how to handle a situation so that we can stay safe and avoid pain or death.
   The problem is…we don’t have absolute safety in this world. We may feel a relative sense of safety with close friends or family, or by wearing a mask or keeping six feet of distance with others. But none of this is a guarantee. A good friend may seem to be socially distancing, but perhaps they came into contact with an asymptomatic person. It is currently recommended that masks can limit the amount of virus in the air, but it does not create 100% safety from contracting C-19.
   I am not saying this to increase anxiety; I am bringing it up because we can feel really stuck and make mistakes when we assume that safety is absolute and try to make actions or beliefs fit into either “safe” or “not safe” categories.

5. We can all support someone.

   A friend recently mentioned their concern about their friend who was experiencing depression. My friend wanted to know if their friend could call me to talk. I had met this other person before and said that the person could call, clarifying that I wouldn’t be in my role as a therapist, but could certainly offer support and resources. My friend sounded anxious, so I asked about how they were feeling. They said that they would not know what to say to someone who is experiencing depression and feared that they could not be helpful.
   I get the feeling of helplessness and the belief that their are magic words to take away depression. On the rare times that I experiencing those feelings as a therapist, I remind myself to go back to basics. Pause. Breathe on purpose. Ground my feet to the floor. Listen. Look the person in the eyes. Be still. Listen more.
   We can all support someone, and if they are coming to you, know that you can be part of creating a network of support for them by “just listening.” If you think that they would benefit from professional treatment or you have a solution to their problem, do the other things that I mentioned first. Then ask if they want resources or advice.
   In my years as a therapist, I can safely say that people want to be heard, and we all have that super power to share.

   Until next time.

   Please note: While it is normal to have fluctuations in our mood and behaviors during a pandemic, that doesn’t mean you have to go it alone. There are many therapists providing telehealth services, and you can reach out to one if you are experiencing distress, difficulty functioning, or could use extra support. And remember that there is a Crisis Text Line that is 24/7. Just text HOME to 741741.

C-19: Sending Light Meditation

One of the hard parts about sheltering in place is not seeing other people. Another hard part is not knowing when we will see friends, families, neighbors, acquaintances in real life. Will it be weeks, months, a year? Will we still be connected?

Today, I sat with this tender grief and ended up meditating while playing the song Sending You Light by Melanie DeMore on repeat. I meditated on the sense of sending light to love ones, to those who are struggling, to folks who were even casual acquaintances, and to those I don’t know across the earth who are facing the storm of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Here’s the link to the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIsZuoNFtXg

See you soon.

C-19: Managing Hypervigilance

Hypervigilance means that the nervous system stays on and alert, looking for danger. For people who have navigated an abusive family of origin or faced combat in a war, hypervigilance was a necessary strategy for survival. They needed to know what a change in a parent’s tone might mean or to keep their eyes alert and scanning for danger.

We are better able to handle short periods of hypervigilance because it is expected that most dangers will pass. However, during a pandemic, we are all facing higher periods of time of hypervigilance for a virus that we cannot see. Here are some examples of hypervigilance that are specific to the COVID-19 pandemic:

• Navigating a walk around the block to avoid other people

• Seeing people in masks and reminding yourself that they are trying to keep themselves and others safe

• Walking through a grocery store and trying to make decisions about food for the next 2 weeks while maintaining as much physical distance as possible

• Coming back into your home after an essential outing and trying to touch as few things as possible until you can wash your hands

• Seeing headlines and images of people infected by COVID-19 and reading articles to try and have enough information

• Feeling “on” for multiple Zoom meetings as you work from home (Note: You sensory systems are working harder on virtual platforms because you are trying to make sense of less information because you cannot get as many clues from the other people as you can in person. Also, we are not used to being the constant objects of social attention; being on virtual meetings reminds us that others can constantly, plus we can see ourselves on the platform.)

• If you are an essential worker, you are thinking about every step, procedure, and interaction you take in your work process.

• Checking to see if stimulus payments or unemployment payments have been deposited in your bank accounts.

All of this thinking, increased awareness, and carefulness in action can increase anxiety and this leads to feeling exhausted.

A few tips on managing the hypervigilance of the pandemic:

1. Have compassion for yourself and honor that you are doing more, even if it doesn’t seem that way on paper.

2. Take time to rest your eyes and other senses. This can come during meditation, taking a few moments to have a soft gaze and look out the window, or a short nap. Savasana, the pose at the end of yoga, is a great practice for withdrawing from action in the senses and can be a practice all by itself.

3. On some social contacts or large trainings, feel freedom to turn off your camera or call in. This will give you some breaks from visual virtual platforms.

4. Take breaks between activities and get some outside time, even if it is for a few minutes.

5. Having more alertness in our nervous system can result in more bodily tension. Doing some gentle stretching can relieve and unwind tension. Again, this could be a couple of favorite stretches in between tasks and does not have to take a long period of time.

6. Develop and implement daily routines so that you have fewer decisions to make each day. We are all experiencing more decisions around morality and mortality than we typically do, so it is helpful to have general ideas about when we will shower, work, exercise, etc.

7. Find physical activity that you enjoy and can do consistently. Even short periods of physical activity are helpful for the body and nervous system.

8. Minimize your news intake, particularly images around death and violence as these. You may find that reading or listening to the news works better for you than watching the news.

9. Along with having routines, create and evaluate guidelines for safety so that you are not putting high energy into going out of the home. For example, members of a household could wash face masks after they return and hang them to dry in the laundry room, where they can be picked up for next outing.

I hope these tips will be helpful in helping you with managing your nervous systems.

See you soon.

C-19: How to Cope During a Crisis podcast episode

I am sharing a podcast episode from Collegehood Advice, featuring guest Dr. Sarah Porter. Dr. Porter goes into the important issue of coping while we are all in a crisis, and she supports her suggestions with research. While the podcast series focuses on college students, this episode is applicable for all. Check out the link here.

See you later.

C-19: Prescription for Permission

One of the challenging aspects of being in a pandemic (and sheltering in place for many of us), is having the pull of pre-pandemic rules and pressures that don’t make as much sense in our current set-up.

This much-shared tweet has really hit home with me this week:

If we really sit with the fact that we are living in a crisis, are there permissions we can give ourselves that honor where we are as people, communities, and a culture? On Instagram, @thenapministry highlights how “grind culture” keeps us in a place of feeling that we need to do more to be okay or doing as well as others. @thenapministry challenges societal structures by noting the healing components of rests-such as naps-especially in periods of collective trauma and stress. I think of Brene Brown’s exercise on writing our own prescriptions that give us permission to make self-compassionate changes.

Here are a few examples of permissions that we could give ourselves this week:

• Take that nap

• Eat what is available and nourishes you. You can notice hunger and not go with the mandate to diet or change your body.

• Stare off into space at times

• Do more things that are soothing to your five senses

• Know that you won’t be able to complete your work like you would’ve two months ago

• Acknowledge that you are a parent guiding some teaching—you are not a full-time teacher

• To take time to notice feelings

• I am going to take my own advice about giving myself permission during this time, and back off of daily posts. It was a great exercise for 3 weeks and is an example of how I used to handle stress: make a goal and start a challenge. But writing a daily post, is a bit exacting and I have other stuff to do. I still plan to write a few posts a week.

  See you next week..

C-19: Tips on News Intake

Most of us are pretty aware that we need to watch how much of the news that we digest. This is especially true during the pandemic, as our nervous systems are already making adjustments and trying to figure out new ideas about safety. I wanted to name a few tips and concepts about moderating your consumption right now:

• Stay aware of how you are feeling. Part of how our minds and bodies try to keep us safe is by seeking information. The problem is that we can get overloaded and feel too anxious, tense, or angry. Notice your body awareness while you are reading, watching, or listening to the news. Check the pace of your mind, breath, sensations. Notice if you are holding tension. This may lead you to learning about your own patterns. For instance, some folks find that they do better to listen to the radio while doing another task like dishes, and others may find that they can only read the news because hearing the voices of politicians is too instense.

• Pick a few sources. Most minds are not satisfied by completely cutting off the news because we seek information to keep us safe. You can ease your mind by selecting a few sources that you consider to be reputable and checking those.

• Ask yourself what type of information you need. You may consider what kind of questions you are trying to answer. If you are concerned about an elderly relative in another state, you can gear your info seeking to information about local rules and regulations in their area and their local public health department. Watch the pull to look at many tangentially-related topics.

• Set aside time for when you go to the news. This may mean picking the time of day (usually a time other than when you wake up or are going to bed). You can set a timer so that you don’t lose track of time, especially if you are on the internet. If you have alerts set for news topics, you can play with turning them off as they will pull you into the 24-hour news cycle.

• Resist the urge or belief that you need to know all of the information. Most of us need to know how to keep our community safe. The 24-hour news cycle wants you to believe that there are more depths to know about the pandemic; it is their business, after all, to keep us watching. However, most of the information about C-19 does not change that quickly and does not need our 24/7 attention. We can pull away from stories that sound like rumors or are speculative if we let go of the idea that we have to know everything first.

• After consuming news, take care of your body. Give yourself a change of state and reconnect with your immediate environment as a form of self-care.

  See you tomorrow.
  
  

C-19: OCD and COVID-19

OCD is an incredibly distressing disorder on its own. The brain gets stuck on ideas and gives them more importance than they should have, leading to compulsions to try to get unstuck. It’s like driving a tricky stick shift while everyone else has an automatic transmission.

Enter a global pandemic. And the distress can increase considerably. Now, there are messages about an invisible virus that could be anywhere; there is a reason to stay worried.

If you have OCD or know someone who does, please show them immense compassion. They are having increased “noise” about how to keep safe and are constantly bombarded with messages about contamination. I would recommend the following article with a some tips on how to manage OCD during these times: https://iocdf.org/covid19/self-care-during-covid-19/

See you tomorrow.

C-19: This Transition is a Big Deal

I am linking to an article by Aisha S. Ahmad called Why You Should Ignore All That Coronavirus-Inspired Productivity Pressure which lays out the real priorities of right now: creating security in our immediate network, allowing a mental shift to occur once we feel foundations of safety, and then adjusting to a new normal with the return of some of our creative, engaged abilities.

The article reminded me of some experiences with taking faster-paced or flow-type yoga classes. In these classes, the instructor cues the students to move with each inhale and exhale. Inhale, raise your arms; exhale, fold into a forward bend, and so on. As I have both grown in my practice and my body has aged, I have come to realize that I can’t keep that pace on some more complex sequences. In a vinyasa class, I have only 1-2 good “vinyasas” in me, so I modify heavily or go in to child’s pose or downward facing dog for many of the vinyasa sequences.

I tend to teach a class with simpler flowing sequences and encourage taking one’s own pace because I realize the transitions are tricky. In moving from chataranga towards the ground and then into an upward facing dog, there can be a pressure to hit the new pose without getting there soundly. The wrists and elbows can take the brunt of those quick moves.

I want to offer permission on and off the yoga mat to create safety before shifting our mind and then moving through the transitions.

See you tomorrow.

C-19: The Sun Goes Down, The Anxiety Goes up

Anxious thoughts seem to rise at night, the closer we get to bed. And these whirling thoughts about the future tend to keep us from sleeping well. So, I am linking here to a previous post about five yogic tools to help with sleep.

One of the tools is a favorite type of meditation: yoga nidra. Yoga nidra loosely translates to “yogic sleep,” and it consists of alternating awareness around different parts of the body, noticing opposite sensations, breathing, or guided imagery. It can be done to go to sleep or at points during the day. I recommend practicing it most days of the week.

See you tomorrow.

C-19: "Changes Will Eventually Change"

I have been running over this title phrase, “Changes will eventually change” from Theresa I. Soto’s poem Reversal of Fortune. I think it captures a experience about the current pandemic. We have experienced so many changes in our culture in a quick period of time, but tomorrow there may be new information that leads to even further changes. It is a paradox to cling to yesterday’s new reality, but the ongoing change can pull at our senses of safety, identity, and control.

Soto’s poem mentions the threads that run through the changes, and I think these threads can be anchors during these times. The threads can be our individual selves, another being, the earth, music,etc., but I think it worth noting what is a constant and be able to return to it in order to ground.

I also wish us all compassion for ourselves as we go through these unprecedented times.

See you tomorrow.

C-19: Imperfect Patience

I was on a large Zoom meeting a few days ago and one of the participant’s children joined in to a conversation about what we had learned about ourselves while sheltering in place. The ten year old boy shared that he had learned that he was more patient than he knew because he was able to share toys with his sister and brother and wait his turn to play video games, even though it was hard. He looked a bit delighted with himself, and all of us adults were delighted in him, too.

We all have a Super hero side.

The boy’s answer gives us a few takeaways in approaching our own imperfect patience during this time:

1. He was able to observe when he demonstrated patience. He didn’t say his patience was global and constant; he implies that there were times pre-pandemic that it had been difficult to share toys or screen and now he could see himself doing it. He might also have challenges with sharing the bathroom or cleaning up with his siblings, but he is first focusing on where his patience is showing up. He does not demand an all or nothing approach to patience.

2. He is more patient than he knew. It is so compassionate to notice where we are growing in a quality or how we may have been operating by an old story that doesn’t fit.

3. He shares and waits even though it is hard. Yes, practicing patience doesn’t mean it is smooth or easy; it just means that we are working towards this quality.

By the way, imperfect patience (or any other quality) is the only kind that there is.

See you tomorrow.

C-19: On Experiencing Emotions

Rumi’s poem The Guest House uses the image of a house to represent a person, while house guests are different emotions that people experience. Rumi encourages curiosity about what each “guest” may bring and reminds us that each guest is temporary.

It’s a great poem, although the imagery of guests coming in and crowding a home is strange given our current experience of not inviting people over to our homes.

Rumi’s poem has gifts for us now, even though the imagery has changed. First, when we see our emotions as guests, it helps to not take them on as an identity. For instance, notice if there is a difference between saying, “I am angry” and “I feel angry.” The second statement implies that the anger is coming in because of mood, biology, or situation as opposed to the first statement which implies that we are the emotion or that we are an angry person. While it can seem like a small distinction, these statements can become patterns and impact how we see ourselves in relation to emotional experiences.

When we notice that we are feeling an emotion, we can be reminded that this is a temporary and human experience. That this emotion will arrive, take up some space, and eventually go. There is an end or a shift to emotions. This concept is so important for distress tolerance, especially when we may be experiencing more repetition in our lives by social distancing or sheltering in place.

And seeing emotions as guests helps us to see them as something outside of us that we can interact with, question, observe, or address. If I feel angry or sad, I can be queued to check-in about a situation. For instance, i may be feeling impatient because I haven’t eaten a meal yet and am “hangry.”

In these times of the pandemic, it is so normal to have all kinds of emotions come up. We are doing things differently while facing a crisis and not having the same ease to our coping skills. We are in closer quarters with others (if we live with others) or we are noticing the challenges of living alone if we do. One gift that we can give ourselves is to identify and observe each emotion, knowing it is part of this normal human experience in extraordinary times.

See you tomorrow.

http://www.sagemindfulness.com/blog/rumi-s-poem-the-guest-house

C-19: Counting Your Wins

Gratitude practices were growing in importance even before the pandemic. I see them as a highly important skill (right after grounding) to have during the pandemic.

We are all experiencing the grief of having aspects of our lives cut off. We are faced with unprecedented uncertainty about what the future will hold. We need to experience all of the feelings (I’ll post more on this in future posts), and we can train our minds to look for the small (or medium, large, tiny, etc.) places to be grateful. This helps the mind focus on what is under our control and what we can build on, which leads to schemas for hope building. For instance, there was a small technology road bump in my other job, and it got solved this week. And the result of the small change feels big to me because I got something off my plate and my work will be easier going forward.

I’ll share some other “gratefuls”:

I am grateful for food, even if it not what I would normally buy.

I am grateful for the presence of my pets.

I am grateful that my family members who are following social distancing protocols.

I am grateful for clean (er) floors after I swept downstairs.

I am grateful to get to see friends through video platforms.

I am grateful when I take a 10 minute walk.

I am grateful that our neighborhood tabby visited my back yard and lounged under a flowering bush where I could enjoy their ease.

I am grateful for a shower and brushing my teeth.

And noticing all of these gratefuls is a win. It lets me know what I need more of and to be able to notice that change can occur even in times feel limited.

I’ve had a number of wins this week. Writing my daily blog post yesterday was not one of them….because I forgot to write the post. I apologize for being inconsistent. On the other hand, yesterday was more packed than normal and I am having some gratitude that my mind let me forget and unwind a bit.

See you tomorrow.

C-19: A Journey Around the Mountain

As a therapist, I think about the paths we take and the ways we experience change. Most of us would like for change to be linear, and always moving towards progress; experience teaches us that the path to change takes many other shapes and that progress isn’t easy to see.

In one metaphor for change, picture the following: There is a mountain, roughly cone-shaped, with a road going to the top. Because the mountain is steep, the road starts at very bottom and the car drives around the lower base of the mountain, slowly making its way to the top of the mountain as it climbs higher and higher with each rotation around the mountain. Also, picture that one side of the mountain faces a beautiful scene, and the sun shines brightly on this side, making this the "light" side. On the other side, the mountain is in "darkness" as the sun cannot reach it, and the road is rocky and even treacherous in places. 

I use this imagery to discuss the way we can make changes and take a journey toward healing during our lives. We start on our healing path at the bottom of the mountain, on the dark side. As we drive, we eventually find ourselves on the light side, with all of the love, wellness, and success that this entails. However, as we continue on, we will come back to the dark side again. While we may feel familiar feelings or see similar sights, we are no longer in the same place on the mountain that we were when we began. We are, in fact, one rotation above where we started, and one rotation closer to the top of the mountain. We have access to new tools and experiences that are helping us continue to go on, even in the darkness. Likewise, as we keep driving and go back to the light side of the mountain, we are not at the same point of abundance that we were on the first rotation; we have gained new skills, experiences, perspectives, and relationships.

In this model of change, there is an awareness of change occurring over time and a message to hold onto hope in the dark times of the journey. This model encourages people to complete stages of work, as they are able to do so, and accounts for how we may feel like we have gone back at points. For instance, I have seen clients with childhood trauma begin to address it in early adulthood, but then do more detailed work when they enter a first serious relationship or have a child, because their new life stages bring up another element of the journey.

While this is an familiar metaphor for me, it is taking on new meaning in this time of the pandemic. As my city moves into sheltering-in-place, there is another ripple of adjustment and anxiety. I’ve noticed several folks comment that they will be “doing fine” and then have a wave of panic and feel unnerved. I think that will be common during this journey. We’ll have days of great mental balance and growth. We’ll have moments or hours or days where we don’t think we can continue with this new challenge. The piece to remember is that we are on a new height on the mountain in each experience, whether we are stable and growing or panicked and shaken. I invite you to remember and note the gains you have made on the mountain so far.

See you tomorrow.

C-19: Go Ahead and Plan for A Panic Attack

Go ahead and plan for a panic attack?

This may sound counter-intuitive, but hear me out.

First, we are in extraordinary times facing incredible uncertainty for prolonged periods of time.

Second, panic can stem from our sympathetic nervous system’s response to stress. We have all of the energy of fight and flight, but we may not be able to complete the stress cycle. We end up holding onto that extra stress in the body and then we react to our bodily sensations.

Lastly, it is natural to brace against the onset of panic attacks or to vow never to have another one…but this bracing can increase the intensity or likelihood of a panic attack.

Having a Plan in place can help us with a sense of control

So, I return to the point that planning for a panic attack helps in case you have one during this pandemic. It is hard to think of coping skills in moments of high stress and panic so having a plan in place can be helpful should you or someone in your circle have a panic attack during this pandemic.

Please click here to read about the AWARE method of approaching panic attacks.

C-19: Mental Health Services in the Age of Social Distancing

Remember, these are extraordinary times. Our everyday world has changed, we are more isolated, and many go-to coping skills are limited. Even people without a mental health disorder can benefit from support and strategies to use during the pandemic.

If you or someone in your life would benefit from mental health support, here are a few ways to access resources:

Betterhelp.com and talkspace.com both provide online/phone services with a licensed counselor, often for less than traditional talk therapy sessions.

psychologytoday.com Go to Find a Therapist, enter your location , then click the option for providers who are using online/video services. You can also narrow down by criteria like insurance or areas of specialty.

If you have insurance, contact your provider and see if they have a telehealth service that they contract with, such as MDLive.com

There are also hotline services that are free. Here are a few options:

Text HOME or CONNECT to 741741 to text with crisis counselors at the Crisis Text Line.

National Suicide Hotline can be reached at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

National Domestic Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

The Trevor Project has a hotline, text, and chat services geared towards supporting the LGBTQ+ population and can be accessed at thetrevorproject.org

RAINN supports survivors of sexual violence and can be accessed at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).

Please reach out whether you are in crisis or could use extra support during this time.

See you tomorrow.

C-19: The Platinum Rule

We’ve gotten through a week of changing social norms, learning new ways to communicate, and have stayed home with our people and pets A LOT.

First: go, us! The collective social distancing and isolation can keep the numbers of infections down and protect lots of people.

Second, I want to talk about The Platinum Rule and invite us all to use it at points during the next week in particular.

The Golden Rule is to do to others what you would like for others to do to you. Sounds pretty great and generous.

For the sake of the times, we will assume these two are partners who are social distancing together at their home.

I learned about The Platinum Rule in a training last year about supporting trans and non-binary people. The Platinum Rule says to do to other what they would like done to them. For example, when a person tells you their pronouns or the name they are now using, it is better to use The Platinum Rule because of the marked psychological distress or safety issues that can arise from that not complying with their requests. If you apply The Golden Rule, you could rationalize that you wouldn’t care what pronouns are used or that it is easier for you to say the previous name (or dead name), so you might not make the effort to validate the other person’s needs. The Platinum Rule focuses more on empathy and understanding the needs of others through their eyes.

We can pull out The Platinum Rule during the COVID-19 pandemic as well. We can all do this by pausing, asking others about their needs, deciding to get over ourselves to respect the other person, and then putting this new information into practice.
Here are a few hypothetical examples:

• A mail carrier is delivering a package to your home and asks you to stay over 6 feet away instead of coming up to them to get their package. You may not feel concerned, but you pause to hear their request and think of how many homes they go to and how they are trying to limit their exposure to the virus while continuing to work.

• You and your roommate enjoy watching scary movies together. You see that Netflix has dropped several new scary movies and mention watching them to your roommate. Your roommate declines and asks to watch a rom-com. You can pause, wonder why your roommate is acting differently, and choose to ask what is going on for them that is causing the change in preferences. Your roommate might say that they are pretty tense right now and that scary movies no longer sound like fun. Even though you are disappointed, you can hear your roommate’s needs right now and watch a different genre of movie.

• Your extroverted friend is calling a lot and you are trying to do more solitary activities, as you are more introverted. Instead of learning into being annoyed, you can ask your friend about how they are doing and how you can best be there for them, while still getting your others stuff done.

I invite you to keep The Platinum Rule in mind and practice it a few times in the next week. You will not be able to use it all of the time because you are a human with fluctuations in needs and patience. Hopefully, someone else will be using The Platinum Rule when you are not able to.

See you tomorrow.

C-19: Good Enough is Good Enough

Our culture has gone through SO many changes this week. If we are able to work, we are most likely using new technology (shout out to all of my fellow psychotherapists and health care professionals) to do our work or we may be working in a way we never have before. One of my neighbors is a manager at a grocery store. She has worked in grocery stores for over 10 years and posted to social media this week that she had never seen anything near the intensity of last Friday (or most days since).

This is a lot.

So, today, I wanted to send out a blog post in case you feel the pressure of perfectionism or even to keep up to your previous levels.

The problem with perfectionism or operating as we did before COVID, is that it leaves a lot of area for frustration (at best) and shame (at worst). And that is not helpful to stew in right now. You are doing what you can do given that the world has changed. Be patient with learning new things or if you are taking on new demands. Notice that you are doing “good enough” and “good enough” is really great right now.

To share some examples: I am writing these daily posts to connect. So I write what I have in mind each day, read over it once to make sure I am saying sentences, and I post. These are less than ideal posts and may have some typos. But I believe sending them out as is is better than not getting them out or spending a large portion of my day on them.
I am also touched by the parents who are not keeping the perfect daily schedule that has been posted to social media. Are your kids’ basics taken care of? Do they know you love them and you’ve got them? Good enough parenting at it’s finest.

It is also good to count your small successes. I finally got a video to upload after 10 tries, and it was a huge success when it did. We made risotto this week, and it turned out decently and was yummy . These successes are good enough for now.

See you tomorrow.

C-19: "Nexting" and the Connection to Hope

I recently borrowed the book Making Hope Happen by Shane Lopez from a friend. I started the book and then somehow couldn’t find it in my home this week as the social distancing began. The irony is not lost on me.

Well, the book turned up yesterday, so I can go back to this reading. But today, I wanted to share a concept from Lopez’s work on hope theory that has been on my mind: nexting. In hope theory, hope is active, and we have to be able to imagine pathways to our goals for the future. Nexting is part of this imagining the future. For example, we think of the next time we will see friends, when our next dental appointment is, when the next Marvel Universe movie is coming out. Kids as young as 3 can do some nexting in that we can say, “Next, we are going to brush your teeth…next, we are going to get in bed and read a story.” And this ability to imagine the future is quite helpful psychologically and in creating hope.

And then the pandemic was announced last week and our ability to do our normal nexting has taken a huge hit. We don’t know when we will next socialize, go to a concert, go to school or work, get a next paycheck, or be able to go to the grocery store at regular hours.

I listen to a podcast that comes out twice a week. This Monday’s episode was focused on the pandemic, and the host signed off by indicating that the show might be back later in the week. It really bothered me. I think I even talked back, saying, “Oh, no, you’d BETTER be back on Thursday. I need this podcast.”

Truth is, I enjoy the podcast, but I don’t need it. I am noticing the need and desire to connect with what is next. And I imagine that others do, too.

This brings up the balance of acceptance and changing what we can. We can practice acceptance that the world is different right now. We may experience feelings of frustration, panic, and sadness about this, but there are things we cannot force to be different. I cannot force my podcasters to create another podcast this week. I cannot decide when a comedy show that I had tickets for will be rescheduled.

Then there are things that we can change and work on. We can decide what book to read next or what TV series we will watch next. We can look at our available food and decide when to next go to the store. We can decide when to reach out to a friend or go outside.

Best wishes in finding and noticing your nexts.

See you tomorrow.

COVID-19 (C-19): Guided Loving Kindness Meditation

May All Beings Be Happy, Healthy, and Free.

This is the basis for Loving Kindness Meditation, which is one of my favorites. I am linking to a recording I did of Loving Kindness Meditation and previously posted.

See you tomororw.